


Lysol isn't a drug, Matt (Voltron Group Chat Crack!)

by Im_McShook



Category: Voltron - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Attempt at Humor, Chatting & Messaging, Crack, F/M, Group chat, Humor, I tried to be funny, M/M, Matt is a meme, Mothman mentions ofc, Sexual Humor, There is a spatula involved, also Lysol and Smarties, im actually sobbing over this, stop me, this account was serious for a few weeks and now this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-08
Updated: 2018-02-08
Packaged: 2019-03-15 07:48:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13608837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Im_McShook/pseuds/Im_McShook
Summary: CRYptid: Matt,,,,,,, Mothman does not have feathers you eggYEET: in my defense I am currently highYEET: don't ask howShitro: spraying Lysol in the air and viciously inhaling it does not count as you being high/////////Basically, Shiro took the last poptart, Matt is high on air freshener, Allura has resorted to using kitchen utensils as weapons, Keith has a kink for moths and death, Lance spends a hundred dollars at a craft store, and Pidge just wants blackmail material.





	Lysol isn't a drug, Matt (Voltron Group Chat Crack!)

**Author's Note:**

> S T O P M E
> 
> YEET- Matt  
> YaBoi- Lance  
> Queef- Keith  
> Shitro- Shiro  
> CRYptid- Pidge  
> Sunshine- Hunk  
> KazooKid- Allura

KazooKid created 'SHIRO IS A TWAT'

KazooKid added 'YaBoi', 'Queef', 'YEET', 'Shitro', 'CRYptid', and 'Sunshine'

KazooKid -> SHIRO IS A TWAT

KazooKid: I want a divorce

KazooKid: I have been forsaken

KazooKid: F

KazooKid: O

KazooKid: R

KazooKid: S

KazooKid: A

KazooKid: K

KazooKid: E

KazooKid: N

Shitro: Allura let me e x p l a i n

Queef: why are you guys yelLING IT IS THE ASS CRACK OF DAWN

YaBoi: I am intrigued 

CRYptid: ^^^hate to break it to you bud but this is not about Keith's ass

YaBoi: Yeah because there is nothing to talk about lol

Queef: hol up

Queef: did you j u s t

Shitro: Keith get the flyswatter

Queef: hold on a DAMN MINUTE WHILE I GET THIS STRAIGHT

CRYptid: *Gay

Sunshine: flyswatter?????

Shitro: KEITH HOLY FUCK FUCK GET IT N O W

KazooKid: I s2g Keith if you grab that thing I will shove it up your ass

YaBoi: but he's gay he would like that

Queef: shove it up my ass 

Queef: I fucking d a r e y o u

Sunshine: what is going on????¿

Queef sent a video (1:36)

Queef: this 

YaBoi: I'm not sure what's funnier,,, Shiro screaming like a little bitch or Allura vaulting over the island with a ladle screaming "eat shit Takashit"

CRYptid: I have been blessed 

YEET: that wasn't a ladle you uncultured swine it was a fucking soup strainer 

CRYptid: Matt,,,,that was a ladle

YEET: WHY DOES IT HAVE HOLES?????¿

Sunshine: is he okay?????

Sunshine: because that is clearly a ladle and there are no holes whatsoever,,,,

Queef: can confirm it is in fact a leedle 

Queef: *ladle

CRYptid: LEEDLE

YaBoi: LeEdLe

CRYptid changed the chat name to 'Leedle'

Queef: d I s g u s t 

Sunshine: is that a spongebob meme I smell????

YaBoi: my meme senses are tingling 

Queef: my thighs are tingling ;)))))

Queef: holy fuck I swear Matt did that

YEET: no I didn't 

YEET: you have no proof 

Queef sent a picture 

YaBoi: is he intoxicated or just naturally like that??

CRYptid: doctors say it's a mental disorder 

CRYptid: but maybe it's,,,,,, M A Y B E L L I N E

Sunshine: g r o s s 

YaBoi: wait why is Matt with you Keith??

CRYptid: j e a l o u s y

YaBoi: N O I am just curious 

YaBoi: you fucking grape 

Queef: him and Shirt were having a gaming night 

Queef: *Shit

Queef: *Ship

Queef: goddamnit! *Shiro

CRYptid: I am actually sobbing 

YaBoi changed the chat name to 'Shiro the Shit Ship'

YEET: update- Shiro just locked himself in the bathroom because his fiancé is fucking terrifying

Shitro: update- Keith is a heathen and still hasn't gotten me the flYSWATTER 

Queef: that's not my problem now is it 

Queef: last time I checked you were the one who ate the last pop tart

Queef: that is punishable by death

YaBoi: Shiro,,,,I am disappointed 

CRYptid: I revoke your title as Dad

YEET: *Daddy

CRYptid: go home Matt you're drunk

CRYptid: wait nevermind please don't come home 

Queef: yeah only Allura can call him that 

Queef: Matt I just heard a loud slam what was tha

Queef: fnkskalwne

Shitro: FREEDOM AT LAST 

YEET: so Keith is going to die

YEET sent a video (0:69)

YaBoi: holy fuck since when can he run that fast 

CRYptid: Matt I fucking dare you to start playing the Sonic Theme™

YEET: way ahead of you 

YEET sent a video (2:36)

Sunshine: how did he get on top of the fridge???

Sunshine: also where did his pants go,,,,

Shitro: can confirm they suffered during The Chase™

Shitro sent a picture 

CRYptid: R.I.P Keith's pants 

YEET: never forgetti 

YEET: rest in spaghetti 

KazooKid: nice meme you got there

KazooKid: it would be a shame is somebody,,,,

KazooKid: stole it

YEET: Shiro she just used a meme in a meme marry her right now 

Shitro: I ALREADY PROPOSED WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME

KazooKid: does anybody else hear that noise???

YaBoi: yeah it's the sound of my internal screaming

YaBoi: sounds a lot like a box of nails dumped in a blender

KazooKid: not your crippling depression dipshit I mean the sound coming from my hallway

Shitro: didn't Keith jump off the fridge and run into the bathroom??

YEET: guys you won't believe this 

YEET: Keith is on the fucking roof

YEET: he climbed out the window and is trying to escape

YEET sent a video

CRYptid: oh my fuck it's snowing he's going to fall

CRYptid: get it on video Matt

Sunshine: tell him to get down!

Shitro: "Bye you furry fucks!" -Keith 2K17

KazooKid: HE JUST JUMPED OFF OH SHIT

YEET: he's finally done it guys 

YEET: the witch is dead we can finally return home 

Queef: Yeet you thought 

Queef: I'm still alive you dildo

YaBoi: one question how in the everloving hell are you alive????

Queef: I jumped off the roof towards a big snowpile which was either 1) a regular pile of snow or 2) a stack of bricks covered in snow

Queef: sadly it was the first

Sunshine: I just almost had an aneurism thanks 

Queef: you're welcome :)

YEET: there is no way you survived that jump, pile of snow or not

YEET: Katie you know what this means??

CRYptid: I fucking called it you owe me ten bucks Hunk

Queef: what??

YaBoi: wait is this what I think it is???

YEET: Keith is secretly mothman and I've called it since Shiro's parents first adopted him

Hunk: there is no proof whatsoever 

YEET sent a picture titled 'proofmotherfuckers.png'

Shitro: Matt i literally just witnessed you grab one of my throw pillows and cut it open while running outside 

KazooKid: those feathers are about as fake as Lance's confidence

YaBoi: W O W

YaBoi: HURT

CRYptid: Matt,,,,,,, Mothman does not have feathers you egg

YEET: in my defense I am currently high

YEET: don't ask how

Shitro: spraying Lysol in the air and viciously inhaling it does not count as you being high

Shitro: in fact you should go to the hospital that could kill you

KazooKid: so that's why the entire house smells like the inside of a shitty hotel room

Queef: if I were mothman I would fuck myself

Queef: he is a  s n a c k

CRYptid: did you just use the phrase 'snack',,,,,,,,

Hunk sent a video (3:00)

Hunk: Pidge has been cackling for over three minutes now 

Hunk: I think Keith broke them

CRYptid: please tell me why Lance just grabbed his keys and yelled "I'll be back! I'm headed to Party City!"

YaBoi: shhhhhhhhh

KazooKid: my gay senses are tingling 

YEET: my lungs are tingling

Shitro: yeah somebody needs to take Matt to the ER he's actually dying 

CRYptid: this is nothing,,,one time when he was 16 he snorted up three packs of Smarties because some kid called him a wuss

CRYptid: sometimes when he sneezes it's a different color 

YEET: and that's the reason I am banned from any crushable hard candies 

KazooKid: I mean at least it wasn't cocaine

Sunshine: Lance,,,,,explain to me why I just got an email from my bank alerting me that my credit card was used at Party City and AC Moore for over a hundred dollars 

YaBoi: wowie wow that's creepy

YaBoi: I wonder who could have done t h a t

Queef: wtf you don't even like craft stores, you say they're "shops for old cat ladies and depressed teens"

YaBoi: I needed something okay

Sunshine: something that costs me over a hundred bucks????

YaBoi: I could be doing drugs like Matt

YEET sent a video (4:00)  
-The camera moves unsteadily, focusing in on Shiro who's lounging on the couch. "Do it for the vine!" Matt screamed, nearly dropping the camera as he swiveled around the corner. Shiro deadpans as he stares directly into the lens, popping off his prosthetic before tossing it in the air. The camera shakes and grows fuzzy as Matt's laughter snorts through the audio. Shiro catches the fake arm and simultaneously shifts into a dab, screeching as loud as possible just as the video comes to an end.-

KazooKid: I leave to go take a shower only to come back to this

CRYptid: Shiro is supposed to be the adult what do we do now

Queef: I disown you

Queef: I'm going to go live in the desert bye

KazooKid: Lance why did you just lock your brakes in front of my house

YaBoi: that wasn't me

KazooKid: you have a bright blue Kia I know it was you 

YaBoi --> KazooKid, Shitro, and YEET 

YaBoi: guys I'm in your backyard please don't shoot me

YaBoi: get Keith to look out the kitchen window 

Shitro: what are you doing???

KazooKid: oh my god he is in a fucking moth costume crawling in the snow 

YEET: watch out for our dog 

YaBoi: WHAT!?!

YEET: YEET

YaBoi has left the chat

'Shiro the Shit Ship' ---> 7 members 

Shitro: hey Keith can you come help me in the kitchen 

Shitro: Matt stuck a fork in the toaster again

Queef: this is the third time this mONTH

YEET: and yet it still didn't kill me

CRYptid: shame

CRYptid: I was going to use your room as a lab

KazooKid: a meth lab

CRYptid: ;))))))))

Queef: I'm in the kitchen Shiro where are you????

Queef: are you outside?

Queef: guys stop messing around I see one of you crawling in the snow 

Sunshine: what?

CRYptid: is anybody else concerned that Lance hasn't answered the group chat in like, thirty minutes 

Shitro: what are you talking about I'm in the bathroom 

Queef: Shiro somebody is crawling around in our backyard

Queef: it's too dark to see who it is 

Queef: LANCE I KNOW IT'S YOU I AM LITERALLY WATCHING YOUR PHONE LIGHT UP IN YOUR BACK POCKET WITH THAT STUPID ASS DUCK SELFIE LOCK-SCREEN

YaBoi: damnit.

CRYptid: pics or it didn't happen

Queef sent a picture 

Sunshine: did you lock him out?

YaBoi: dude let me in my dick is freezing off

Queef: not my problem 

Shitro: he says that but he's five seconds from having an asthma attack 

CRYptid: outed by your own brother

CRYptid: that must sting 

YaBoi: don't make me bust a window

CRYptid: bust a move-

YEET: YOU WANT IT! YEAH YOU GOT IT! YOU WANT IT! YEAH YEAH YOU GOT IT

Shitro: ((hey Lance the back door is unlocked))

YaBoi: ((bless your soul Takashi))

YEET: ((you guys do know we can see this right??))

YEET: ((and Keith locked it the moment you mentioned it))

Queef: I will not allow that into my home 

YaBoi: I thought you said Mothman was a 'snack'

Queef: get off my lawn 

Queef: Lance I can see you trying to pick the lock

Shitro: LANCE HURRY TO THE FRONT I UNLOCKED THE DOOR

KazooKid: HURRY WHILE IM BLOCKING KEITH

YaBoi: gotta blast™

YEET sent a video

Sunshine: did he seriously just slip through the door while screaming "sliding in those DMs!"

Shitro: I take it back shove it back outside 

Queef: YOU HAVE ALLOWED SIN INTO THIS HOUSEHOLD

Shitro: Matt is already here 

Shitro: he's basically putting off sin instead of Carbon Dioxide

YEET: with a hint of Lysol 

CRYptid: Lance if you serenade Keith in that costume while singing 'Despacito' I will actually hurl myself down the steps 

YaBoi: hold onto your socks Pidge because it's about to get sPICY IN HERE

Shitro: that song is not allowed here

Shitro: if you sing it I swear I will shove my prosthetic arm down your throat

YEET: kinky 

YaBoi: I've had bigger things down my throat

CRYptid: did you just,,,,,,

Sunshine: Lance you gagged on a spaghetti noodle yesterday 

Sunshine: don't even 

KazooKid: HUNK!!?

Queef: I've locked myself in my room

Queef: that's what you fuckers get for not paying attention 

Queef --> Shitro

Queef: If I'm being honest Lance looked hella good in that costume 

Shitro: you've been gay for him for how long now and it took a moth costume for you to come to terms with said feelings???

Queef: shut the fuck up 

'Shiro the Shit Ship' --> 7 members

Queef: all I'm trying to say is that his ass looks good in tights 

Queef: OH FUCK WRONG CHAT

CRYptid: S H O O K

YEET: guys it's happening Klance™ is going to be cannon 

YaBoi: mccuse me what??

KazooKid: "guess I'm going to be wearing these a lot more" -Lance's Bi ass 2K17

Queef has left the chat

YaBoi: he's not here but I thinks his ass looks great 24/7

YaBoi has left the conversation 

CRYptid: this day is a blessed day 

YEET: guess you could say it was love at first,,,,,KLANCE

Shitro has left the chat  
CRYptid has left the chat  
Sunshine has left the chat  
KazooKid has left the chat

YEET: I walk a lonely road the only road that I have ever know,,,,,

YEET has left the conversation

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this at three in the morning a while ago, I was sleep deprived,,,,,


End file.
